


Wait It Out

by track_04



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band), Tackey & Tsubasa
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-13
Updated: 2009-10-13
Packaged: 2017-11-14 17:36:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/517801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/track_04/pseuds/track_04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>About a boy, his love of singing, and the way that he manages to find his place in the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wait It Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [travelingpsycho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/travelingpsycho/gifts).



> Written for 2009's JE_Rainbowbridge. Song title taken from the [Imogen Heap song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P58tNCBlr3U) of the same name. Special thanks to missmonster for beta help and general awesomeness.

Some people say that when you fall in love you just know. That there's a moment of clarity when you just _realize_ that your life will never be the same. Subaru was pretty certain that he'd never been in love, but he could remember two moments in his life where he'd felt this type of clarity and had just known that something was right; the first when he was five and the second when he was twenty-four. He never really talked about them with anyone, but he could remember them as if they had been yesterday, could picture what he'd been wearing and where he'd been standing and even the way the air smelled around him.

The first time found Subaru standing on stage with the rest of his preschool class, dressed in an ill-fitting sunflower costume and staring out at a sea of unfamiliar grown-up faces. Subaru could hear his teacher whispering encouragement to them as she urged a few stragglers into line, but all he could do was stare wide-eyed out at the audience, his tiny hands clutching at the petals of his costume nervously as he scanned the crowd for his mother's face. A familiar tune started playing over the speakers propped up at either side of the makeshift stage, the sound warbling slightly as the cassette hit a place that had worn down from being played too often.

Subaru bit at his lip and fidgeted a little, still searching for his mother as the children around him started to sing. Subaru's shyness and fear fought with the pull of the music, and the music finally won out as Subaru gave in to it and started singing along quietly. He focused on the words and thought of the way his mother smiled when he sang to her at home, the way his older brother had practiced this song with him every night for the past week because he'd wanted to get it just right. Subaru shut his eyes and pretended that he was home with them right now, singing while his mother fixed dinner and his older brother sat at the kitchen table finishing his homework, humming along.

Gradually, his voice got louder, joining the other children's voices at the chorus and marching with them through to the next stanza. He felt his courage growing with each word and forgot somewhere around the second chorus that he was scared, that there were dozens of unfamiliar grown-ups staring at him right now, forgot everything except the song. He opened his eyes as they neared the end and looked out at the crowd again and saw the way they were all smiling at the stage, smiling at _him_. As the last word was sung he finally found his mother beaming proudly out at him from the third row. He beamed back at her and gave a little wave as his class filed off stage, almost sorry that it was over.

Afterwards, when the awful sunflower costume was stuffed in a bag that his mother was carrying and they were walking hand-in-hand back to the train station, Subaru could still see the smiles of the crowd and remember the way it had made him feel to know that they were smiling because of him. He didn't want that feeling to ever go away.

"You did a good job tonight, Subaru," his mother said as they climbed down the stairs that lead into the station.

"Thanks." Subaru tilted his head back and smiled shyly at the compliment.

"Did you have fun?"

Subaru nodded, his hand tightening around his mother's as he stated with the type of certainty that only a five-year-old can manage. "I like singing. I want to do it forever."

His mother just smiled and gave his hand a squeeze. "Maybe you will."

\--

At fourteen, Subaru hadn't really thought that much of idols. It wasn't that he hated them, really; they just weren't his thing. They were something that his female cousins and their friends giggled over, something that the girls in his class taped pictures of to the insides of their notebooks. Sure, he didn't hate them, but he didn't really pay them much attention, either.

As a boy it was much cooler to talk about B'z or the latest issue of Slam Dunk or the way the girls in his class' chests seemed to be filling out.

In retrospect, he was glad that his mother hadn't told him that she'd sent in an application for him to be one of those pretty boys in bad outfits that the girls were always talking about. He didn't even really mind that she hadn't told him until they were on their way to the audition. Things might have been different if he hadn't gotten in, but he had gotten in and the what ifs really didn't seem to matter.

Riding home from the audition, his face still covered in makeup from the photoshoot, Subaru couldn't help but think that maybe idols weren't so bad, especially not when you were one. After all, even with the bad costumes and the dancing and the photo shoots, when idols sang people listened.

\--

Being a Johnny's Junior was a bit like being a sardine shoved into a rather large, glittery can. Subaru constantly felt like he was being squeezed into things that weren't really a good fit-- rooms, dance routines, costumes that were either too small or too large, a personality that wasn't quite him but wasn't quite not, either.

There were always too many people squeezed into a tiny room, rushing around to change and helping each other in and out of costumes, tripping all over themselves and each other in an effort to do too much in too little time. Being backstage at a concert or TV show was a bit like being in the center of a particularly loud, slightly smelly adolescent storm.

Subaru didn't particularly like the accidental elbows to the back or having to wear tshirts that still smelled of the last five people that had worn them, but he knew it was a necessary evil. He endured it because he hoped that it would lead to better things. That didn't mean he didn't bitch about it, though.

"Hey-- Yoko, I asked you to grab me a t-shirt!" Subaru gave Yoko a dirty look as he started to pick through the pile left on the table, grabbing a green one and sniffing it before tossing it aside and going for another.

"I tried! I barely got one of my own, though." Yoko held up his hands and gave him a helpless look while Hina laughed like an idiot beside him.

Subaru glared at them both and continued to sift through the pile, finally settling on a red t-shirt with no visible stains that didn't smell _too_ awful. He slipped it over his head, wincing a little at the way it hung off his frame, several sizes too big. He decided it was as good as it was going to get and joined the other two boys along the wall.

"Man... you stink." Hina wrinkled his nose and made a show of stepping to the side.

"Shut up!" Subaru glared and ran his hands over the t-shirt self-consciously. "This is the best they had left!"

Beside him Yoko made a face and took a step away, earning him loud, rather annoying laughter from Hina. "You do kind of stink."

"And whose fault is that? You said you'd get me a t-shirt."

"I _tried_! You shouldn't have gone to the bathroom right when we were--"

"Hey-- you three!"

Subaru turned toward the source of the voice and found Takizawa standing a few feet away, giving them a look of disapproval that Subaru hadn't known anyone below the age of forty-five could manage. He was torn between wanting to hang his head and wanting to be purposefuly loud and obnoxious just _because_. Sure, Takizawa was a big shot among the Juniors, but being told off by someone who was younger than he was rubbed Subaru the wrong way.

Subaru decided on the third option of just being silent and sullen, Yoko and Hina apparently choosing the same. He had to admit that it was kind of impressive that Takizawa had actually managed to get the other two to shut up, even if he never would have said as much aloud and risked fueling what he was certain was already a rather large ego.

"Practice is starting. You guys should be getting into place," Takizawa said, his face still far too serious. "We have to set a good example for the new juniors."

Subaru could see Yoko and Hina nodding out of the corner of his eyes and did the same, waiting until Takizawa had wandered off to find someone else to nag to grumble at the other two. "Does he think bossing other people around will get him ahead or something?"

"Who knows." Yoko shrugged, frowning at Takizawa's back across the room.

"Maybe I'll start bossing people around and see if it gets me on any shows."

"Whatever, Subaru. Like they'd ever put _you_ on TV."

"I've already been on TV once, _Hina_."

"Oh, for 30 seconds with a bunch of other juniors. Big deal. And my name is Shingo."

"Okay, _Shin-chan_." Subaru grinned, ducking the smack that Murakami aimed at his head as they all hurried to get into place, ignoring the looks that Takizawa was throwing their way.

\--

In the end, Subaru had a good voice and, while that wasn't all it took to be an idol, it was what managed to get him noticed. Well, that and the fact that he worked well with Murakami and Yokoyama, who made up for what they lacked in the singing department with the sheer amount of talking they did otherwise. Together they were a trio of idiots, but they were idiots who got air time. Even if it was mostly on Kansai-only shows, it still meant that they had more chances to be seen and heard and, ultimately, Subaru had more chances to sing. It was only a matter of time before it all lead somewhere and Subaru really got his chance to shine.

When it finally did, Murakami and Yokoyama were two of the first to congratulate him.

Takizawa, surprisingly enough, was one of the second.

"Hey... Shibutani."

Subaru turned, frowning a little as he watched Takizawa cross the lunch room with a grin. He could see the rest of the table staring as Takki slid into an empty chair beside him. "I heard you're going to be on Music Station."

"Uh... yeah. Next week."

"Good luck. I'm sure you'll do a good job."

"Thanks."

"Maybe we'll get to work together more now."

Subaru stared, amazed that not only was the other saying this, but that he actually seemed to mean it. "Yeah... maybe."

"I guess we'll see." Takizawa gave his shoulder a quick pat and grinned at the rest of the table before hurrying off again, leaving Subaru staring blankly after him, struggling not to look too embarrassed.

"What was that about?" Hina mumbled once he was out of earshot.

"I don't know." Subaru shrugged and tried to ignore the looks he was getting.

"Looks like _someone_ got on Takki's good side."

"Yeah, you going to tell us your secret?"

"Shut up," Subaru grumbled, unable to help a grin as he smacked Yoko upside the head because he was the easiest to reach.

\--

Subaru couldn't really pinpoint the exact moment that he stopped seeing Takki as a bossy know-it-all from Tokyo and started seeing him as a friend. Looking back, it seemed like he was hating him one minute and then spending a lot of his free time hanging out on his couch the next, but he was sure the reality was probably something much more gradual, the points inbetween probably just too uninteresting when compared to the the before and after and ending up abandoned to make room for more interesting memories.

It didn't really matter how they'd become friends, anyway, so much as the fact that they had.

"Hey, Subaru."

"What?" Subaru asked after a long pause, too much of his attention fixed on the TV screen and the playstation controller in his hands to register that Takki was speaking to him.

The delay didn't seem to matter, anyway, since Takki didn't answer him right away, either. The match ended (with yet another loss for Subaru; he really needed to take Yoko and Ninomiya up on their offer to teach him a few tricks so he might stand a chance of winning one of these days) and Subaru was beginning to think that Takki had just been trying to distract him from the game when the other boy finally spoke, his voice soft and slightly distracted. "Do you ever worry that you won't debut?"

"What?" Subaru managed to pull his attention away from the TV to frown at Takki, who was staring at the TV a little too intently. "What do you mean? Did you hear something...?"

"What? No." Takki shook his head and turned to meet Subaru's eyes, his own a little wide. "No, I didn't mean it like that. I just wondered if you ever worried about it."

"Who, me? Never."

Takki smiled and smacked Subaru lightly in the arm. "Not even a little?"

"I worry about it sometimes." Subaru shrugged, something about Takki's voice making him answer honestly. "Why are you suddenly so curious?"

"Because I do. Worry about it, that is," Takki mumbled, his face taking on that thoughtful, altogether too adult look that it got sometimes.

"What? But you're Takki. _The_ Takki. You're a legend," Subaru answered, laughing nervously, at a loss for what else to do. "They'd have to be stupid not to debut you."

"Yeah... I guess so." Takki smiled weakly at him, but didn't sound completely convinced.

"Maybe we'll even debut together." Subaru grinned and bumped his shoulder against Takki's playfully. "They can call us 'Subaru Band'."

"Hey, I thought I was the legend here. Why do we have to use your name?"

"Because my name's cooler."

Takki just laughed and shoved him. "Hurry up and pick your character so I can beat you again."

\--

Sometimes it felt to Subaru like he and Takki were more rivals than friends, with the way they were constantly being compared and pitted against one another. They were never Subaru and Takki, but always Takizawa of the East and Shibutani of the West, like they were arch enemies and not two teenagers who spent a good chunk of their free time hanging out together. When Subaru thought about it, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd taken a bit of that scripted rivalry to heart and started to believe it with time.

For his part, Takki never acted much like he was competing with Subaru but, then again, Takki was already on top so he didn't really have to. Subaru was the one fighting to be acknowledged, to be seen. Even if Takki sometimes had his doubts about whether or not he'd debut, Subaru didn't and neither did anyone else.

Subaru had the voice and could handle a variety show if Yoko and Hina were there to back him up, but Takki shone no matter what he was doing. Even Subaru had trouble remembering that the Takki he saw on the stage or on his TV screen was the same person who had once made him wait in line with him three hours to get Bob Sapp's autograph.

Despite this strange tension that Subaru sometimes suspected only he could feel, their friendship was an oddly easy one. They had fun just hanging out, watching movies and playing video games, and Subaru never had to worry about whether or not he was talking too much about work. Takki was someone who got him, understood the need that he had to be in the spotlight and wasn't going to ask him to explain it or put words to it.

Things just felt right around Takki, like their friendship was meant to be and there was no reason to question that.

If Subaru had stopped to think about it, he probably would have realized that friendship couldn't always be that easy; that it was something that one or the both of them would outgrow eventually.

"Hey, Takki!" Subaru grinned as he pressed his phone to his ear and tried to weave his way through the crowded station. "What are you up to tonight? There's this yakiniku place that Yoko and Aiba keep going on and on about. I thought we could try it out."

"Subaru? I didn't think you were back in town until tomorrow."

"I wasn't, but my manager called and said they needed me back for a photo shoot so I cut the trip short." Subaru ducked into a tiny alcove that gave him some shelter from the noise of the crowd. "So, are you up for yakiniku?"

"Ah... I made plans with Tsubasa already. Could we do it later this week?"

"Oh, sure. I'll give you a call."

"Talk to you later, then."

"Yeah, later." Subaru shut his phone and shoved it in his pocket, telling himself it was stupid to feel disappointed.

\--

It wasn't as if Takki hated Subaru, or that they had a huge, dramatic falling out like two characters in a bad drama or one of the shoujo manga that Subaru always saw girls reading on the train. There wasn't any one thing that made them start to drift apart, really. It was just a combination of circumstance and bad timing. People grew up and apart, and Subaru and Takki were meant to go in different directions.

Takki got busy, his career taking off just as Subaru's stalled, and Subaru found himself doing a lot of waiting around for him, feeling forgotten. Takki started spending more time with Tsubasa and Subaru started spending more time on his couch, waiting for the next call.

When the call did come it was early on a Wednesday morning, a few hours before Subaru's alarm would have even thought of going off even if he'd had anything to do that day. He groaned and cursed himself for not putting his phone on silent as he rolled over and fumbled it off the nightstand to his ear. "Hello?"

"Hey." Subaru was shocked, to say the least, to hear Takki's voice on the other end of the line, sounding much more awake than he had any right to be this early in the morning. Subaru couldn't remember the last time Takki had called him and he wasn't sure if he was more pleasantly surprised or annoyed that he was doing so now.

"Hey, Subaru." There was a slight pause and Subaru could practically see the way that the other was chewing on his lower lip, brows furrowed as he sought for the right words. "How are things?"

"Fine."

"Oh... good. I haven't seen you around much lately."

"I haven't been around much," Subaru answered as he rolled over to glance at his clock. He didn't think that Takki had ever called him this early, even when they'd still been talking on the phone regularly. "Is something wrong? It's not even 5 a.m."

"No... I just wanted to tell you that I'm debuting," Takki said, his words coming out in a nervous, excited jumble. "With Tsubasa. I just wanted you to know so you didn't have to hear about it somewhere else."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah... really. I just found out."

There was a long, awkward silence then, as Subaru simultaneously struggled to find the words to lie and tell Takki he was happy for him, and to not hang up on him outright. Subaru had never really believed that he and Takki would debut together, not even when he'd heard rumors to that effect. Rumors were a dime a dozen in Johnny's, after all, and it was dangerous to believe anything until you had solid, concrete proof. Doing otherwise was just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Subaru knew all this, but it didn't make his jealousy or his disappointment any less.

"Subaru?"

"I need to go. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay. Listen--"

Subaru hung up the phone before he could hear any more and rolled over, burying himself beneath the covers.

\--

No matter how rational part of Subaru wanted to be about things after that, it was just easier to blame everything on someone else-- the jimusho for not giving him more work, Takki for debuting with Tsubasa instead of him, the other juniors for stealing possible jobs, even his mother for signing up for this three ring circus in the first place. If he blamed other people then he didn't have to accept that sometimes this was just the way things happened. That you sometimes didn't get what you wanted, even if you wanted it as badly as Subaru wanted to be able to sing.

 

Blaming other people also made it easier to ignore the nagging voice in the back of his head that kept suggesting that maybe there was something inherently wrong with Subaru that had lead to this, that maybe he just didn't have what it took.

It managed to work for awhile, too, until the work in Tokyo dried up and Subaru found himself caring less and less about being an idol. He started to rebel in the only way he knew how, made a lot of stupid decisions, including one that he'd carry on the back of his right hand as a reminder of this period in his life for years to come.

He knew that he'd hit rock bottom when he found himself living back in Osaka, working a part time job just to make ends meet and wandering around the city in his free time, trying to ignore the rows of idol magazines at all the newsstands that he passed. When he realized that he spent more time at his part time job than he did at what should have been his full time one, he thought about quitting. He never could quite decide if the reason he hadn't followed through on that thought was courage or a lack thereof.

"Hey, you going to eat that?"

Subaru looked up from his barely touched katsudon and shrugged, pushing it across the table towards Yoko and ignoring the looks the other was giving him. "You take it."

Yoko pursed his lips, hesitating for a moment before he took a piece of pork and shoved it back across the table at Subaru while Subaru ignored the way both Yoko and Hina eyed the glove on his hand as he pulled the bowl back to himself. He wasn't really sure why he kept letting them talk him into going out when he really couldn't afford it at the moment and all they did was walk on eggshells around him. Things might not have been great now but it wasn't like he was going to _break_.

"So, are you guys coming over this weekend? We can break out the nabe pot and watch some _One Piece_."

"Nah, I can't. I already have plans."

"What, you're too good for us now, Murakami?"

"No, I just have more friends than you do."

Subaru rolled his eyes and snorted softly as he started to pick at his food, not feeling like interrupting their bickering. He never would have admitted it, but this was probably the reason why he still let them rope him into coming out with them like this--even if all they did was bicker it was at least entertaining, in an annoying sort of way, and far better than sitting at home feeling sorry for himself.

"What do you mean 'more friends'?" Yoko prodded the other, the pout he was giving Hina mostly playful. "Name one."

"Takki," Hina shot back, his voice growing louder with each word, the way it always did when he thought he was winning--or, for that matter, losing-- an argument. "He invited me to go with him to-- ow, what the hell, Yoko?"

"Shut up." Subaru caught the rather pointed look that Yoko gave Hina then and sighed, sliding out of the booth and digging his wallet out of his pack pocket. Hina actually shut up then, too busy staring at Subaru with Yoko to continue fighting, apparently.

"Got somewhere to go?"

"Just home." Subaru pulled a thousand yen note out of his wallet and tossed it down on the table. Subaru ignored the looks that the other two were giving him, sick of everyone acting like Takki was this taboo topic around him. They'd just been friends who weren't friends anymore. It wasn't some stupid, dramatic issue that people had to skirt like this.

"See you on Saturday, then?"

Subaru shoved his wallet back in his pocket and gave a non-committal shrug. "Maybe."

\--

Just when things didn't seem like they could get any lower, they started to magically get better, although it seemed like more of a struggle getting out of the low they'd all fallen into than it had falling there in the first place. They were more than willing, though, and after the work started to come again, Subaru knew that his decision to stay hadn't been wrong. Standing on the stage with the rest of Kanjani, he felt the pull of the music again, remembered how happy it made him just to sing. He remembered what it was to enjoy this and not just see it as an annoyance.

Now when he saw Takki on TV or at the few Tokyo functions that they fit into their quickly busying schedules, he didn't feel the sharp sting of jealousy that he had before. He could watch him perform on _Music Station_ or _Hey, Hey, Hey_ and actually appreciate the songs. There was still some lingering resentment there, maybe, and things were still a bit weird, but he could at least admit now that Takki and Tsubasa worked well together. There was a reason they'd debuted together, just like there was a reason that Subaru was in Kanjani with Yoko and Hina and Ryo and the others now.

For the first time in his life, Subaru didn't want to debut merely because it was what you did if you were successful at the Johnny's game--he wanted to debut because he knew that he deserved it, and he wanted to be able to go on working with the rest of Eito, not just as groupmates, but as friends.

Subaru still saw Takki sometimes when there was actually work to be had, but they never really shared anything more than a hello or a bit of polite small talk. If Takki ever looked like he had more that he wanted to say, Subaru was too busy to let himself notice.

\--

Subaru had never really put much stock in fate or any of that nonsense that some people spouted off about life being a continual circle. He was, however, willing to agree that sometimes life had an amazing sense of humor that always managed to keep you on your toes.

He was pretty sure that it was that sense of humor that he had to thank for his role in _Dream Boys_ , playing Takki's one time friend turned enemy, just as they found themselves rekindling their own friendship, however tentatively. It was both odd and oddly therapeutic to spend an entire day's worth of rehearsal glaring at each other for the benefit of their costars and an imaginary audience and then be able to leave it all in the dressing room and go out for drinks afterwards.

It wasn't easy, of course, and there had been lots of awkward silence and even more awkward moments, but it was _something_ , and it was something that Subaru had needed and missed, even if he'd convinced himself otherwise.

It was nice, being older and having a better perspective on what had happened, being able to talk with Takki again without Subaru's self-loathing and resentment or Takki's obliviousness creeping in and ruining their conversations the way they had at the end the first time around. They were older now and they'd both changed, but it was nice knowing that their friendship had survived it, even if it had taken some serious knocks along the way.

As Subaru stood there, taking his final bow on opening night of the show, one hand clutching Takki's and the other Yoko's, Subaru felt the start of a cautious sort of optimism. It echoed through him as the curtains closed, blocking from the audience and the applause that was still ringing in his ears. Subaru smiled at no one in particular and felt sorry that the night was over.

"Hey, Shibutani." Takki grinned from ear to ear as he gave Subaru's hand a squeeze before dropping it, still covered in sweat and breathing hard from the performance but somehow still managing to exude that happy energy that Subaru hadn't even realized he'd missed. "Good job out there."

"You, too." Subaru grinned back as the cheers of their castmates rang out behind them.

\--

For as much as he'd built it up in his mind over the years, Subaru had to admit that actually debuting was even better than he'd ever imagined. It probably didn't hurt that he'd been halfway convinced that it would never happen, or that the group he was debuting with had been through just as much as he had and were his friends.

He found himself wondering when he spotted Takki backstage at countdown, if this wasn't how he'd felt when he'd debuted with Tsubasa. He was too busy rushing around between makeup and costume changes for it to be more than a fleeting thought, though.

"Hey, Subaru!"

Subaru stopped mid-step, nearly colliding with a group of frantic looking juniors as he turned to find Takki, of all people, smiling at him. "Yeah?"

"Congratulations on your debut."

"Thanks." Subaru said, offering a slightly embarrassed smile as he heard one of the staff members frantically calling his name. He hesitated for a long moment, torn between not wanting to miss his cue and the feeling that he needed to say something significant.

"They're calling you," Takki pointed out, even though they both knew there was no way Subaru hadn't heard them. "Give me a call sometime."

"I will." Subaru nodded once, twice, his smile widening as he turned and hurried off to find a rather disgruntled staff member waiting for him, Hina and Yoko flashing Tackey a thumbs up behind her back.

Later, when they'd all discarded their glittery and sequins and had successfully rung in yet another New Year, Subaru found himself huddled in the back of a taxi on the way back to his hotel, his phone clutched absently in one hand. He flipped it open and hesitated briefly before he selected Takki's name from his list of contacts and contemplated several rather long and pointless messages about dinner after work and countdown and working together in the future. In the end, he dismised them all in favor of a short message that read _Congratulations to you, too. Sorry it's late_ instead.

As he hit send, Subaru felt with the hopeful type of certainty that only an adult can manage that things were just as they should be.


End file.
